I wonder if you miss me. As you lie, lonely in your guest room bed.
Are you still sleeping there, I wonder. Or has she let you back in? And even then, do you just sleep? Or do you run your hands all over her body like you did to mine, like you did to hers before you ever laid eyes on me.
These things are not supposed to matter now. I am not supposed to care. You are hers and I am mine.
But the broken part of me looks for you. In chance encounters with strangers, in affairs (clandestine or otherwise) where I make sure that this time, no questions are asked and no promises are made. In older men, in figures of authority.
I was a child when you found me. And now, I am a ghost.
A ghost slowly coming back to life and with that life, remembering all the things I used to feel. Your breath on my neck, fingers drawing circles on my skin, tears running down my face.
I will forget you, I tell myself. But my self wants to remember.
About this piece:
At a certain age, love becomes less epic. When one is young, the end of an affair can feel like the end of the world as one knows it.
I wrote this piece eight years ago (give or take) about a person I still think of as “2008”. A part of me feels sad for that broken little girl. The other part just wants to laugh and say, “Grow up, you’ll get over it.”